Saturday, April 01, 2006
Washington Encircled, Bush Resigns
I'm sure many of you have been following the chaotic chain of events of State Television (CNN). But if not, I will include a timeline:
05:20 AM: President Bush calls an emergency meeting at the Oval office. He tells yawning aides and elderly statesmen that he's decided to use his presidential powers to land forced in Iran and win the war in under 90 days. "Who needs Congress!," he blasts.
05:22 AM: CIA advisers and Karl Rove figure out a way to issue the deathblow to public opinion of Iran, stateside. They work on ways to coerce the 9-11 Commission and key leaders of the opposition, Hollywood, and even labor leaders to support the Bush administration's actions.
05:37 AM: There's a leak?!!! But how?!!! Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton is on the phone, loud and rude, demanding to speak to the President, shouting "I know about Iran, I know..."
05:40 AM: CNN ceases normal schedule, a screen parted in two appears, one side with VP Cheney's image, the other with NY Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton on the other, and a generic telephone image between them. That screen stays up while audio commences:
Dick Cheney: [takes call] This is the President of the Senate, Vice President of The United...
SHRClinton: Righto! What's this I hear about your boy wanting to deploy troops to Iran and totally bypass Congress?
Dick Cheney: Ugh?
SHRClinton: Look! I have Senators Biden, Obama, Kennedy (albeit drunk), and Nancy Pelosi and...
Dick Cheney: Well....well...so what? We've got the majority...in any event Sen. Clinton we're busy here, we don't have time to talk to you.
SHRClinton: Well...["lemme talk to that honkey!" Sen. Obama can be overheard yelling meanwhile a "settle down chief" can be heard from a man whom sounds very much like Bill Clinton"]
Dick Cheney: How'd...how'd you FOLKS get a meeting together that fast?!
SHRClinton: Well Obama stayed the night because we had a long meeting and since we only had a king we all slept together, but nothing sketch, Obama slept between me and Bill so it's all ok.
Dick Cheney: Ugh....Well we don't care what you have to say, you and the American people are about as bright as Gary Coleman post Diff'rent Strokes and we just received confirmation that six Tomahawk cruise missiles have been launched at Tehran from the USS New Jersey on the Persian Gulf! Additionally, our forces in Iraq have fired three recovered Scud B's (one at Haifa, one at Jaffa, and one at Tel-Aviv), we marked the Scuds with so many Iranian codes 'n crap thatt even a fuckin retard with dyslexia could figure out, hahahah). We've also ordered CIA operatives to contaminate the Baghdad water reserves and we've paid off key Shi'ite and Kurd leaders to place the blame on the Sunni's so you can forget about U.S. troop reductions when Iraq goes into a civil war so bloody it will make the one in Lebanon seem like a pillow fight. Lastly, Karl [Rove] is working on efforts to finger Obama as defacto leader of a Black Muslim terror ring and also finger Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and other key African American dissenters as enemies of the U.S. government. We got the army, the air force, the navy, the vast majority of police stations, and the media in our hip pocket!
SHRClinton: Not so fast DICK! What you've also got is this..turn on CNN!
Dick Cheney: CNN is for communists, why would I turn that crap on?
SHRClinton: Cuz our phone call has been on air since we started talking?
Dick Cheney: Ugh...Ugh...HUH..HUH. [VP Cheney keals over and dies]
05:42 FOX News goes to the airwaves, trying to calm down the American public...the network plummets in ratings as it seems everyone is glued to CNN, meanwhile a few others tune into MSNBC (where Howard Stern speaks via phone about how terrible Bush is and how gigantic the boobs of his bedmate are).
05:50 A mutiny breaks out on the USS New Jersey! Democratic seamen arrest their largely Republican officer corps and 'house' them in the ship's mess hall. The USS New Jersey is officially under siege, with some officers locking themselves in special areas and trying to hold out. The mutiny is largely ignored by the media, as key Republican congressmen are woken up and begin condemning the president.
06:06 Arizona Sen. John McCain calls for President Bush's resignation.
06: 07 Senate Democratic Leader: Sen. Harry Reid calls for Bush's resignation.
06:10 Secretary of State Condi Rice is arrested by the DCPD
06:15 Ft. Benning, GA.....The base officially lowers all American flags to half mast, other bases across the nation do the same, but the majority keep them up. It eventually becomes known that those bases w/ flags at half mast are not loyal to Bush or Bush's plans.
06:30 The first televised images of the USS New Jersey come via Real Player, nothing too out of the ordinary but the vessels flags are at half mast.
06:35 approx. 10,000 demonstrators gather around the White House.
06:40 The FCC 'suggests' news stations turn focus away from 'Washington.'
06:45 Fox, NBC, & ABC comply with FCC suggestion.
06:46 CSPAN goes off air.
06:47 CBS bows out, follows FCC line.
06:48 MSNBC runs Fahrenheit 911
06:50 CNN's signals are jammed, but remains on air with Nancy Pelosi speaking on any Bush administration predecessor to the presidency would solve nothing. She says a new election must be held in 90 days to save the nation. Pelosi is the first to imply that the government may fall.
06:51: The presidential helicopter lands on the rose garden, secret service agents rush out from the White House and seem to be clearing out the area for a quick exit. Sparks can be seen flickering on the chopper, it's later revealed that snipers from locations unknown have opened fire on the aircraft, the SS agents rush back to the White House, the chopper pulls out, the President is forced to stay put.
07:15 A video is released with DNC Chairman Howard Dean expressing the following, "Nice Try. The President shall remain in the capital, he shall not flee to Crawford."
07:20: The crowd outside the White House nears 25,000 by aereal count.
07:25: NBC bigwhigs finally push through. MSNBC stops F911 and begins an unheard of Martha Stewart Marathon.
07:35: CNN reports that the DNC is calling for every party members to prepare for hard times.
07:40: CNN reports that the crowd outside the White House has reached the 100,000 mark! Riots have broken out in Detroit, Los Angeles, New York, Buffalo, Dayton, Seattle, Baton Rouge, Birmingham, Atlanta, Dallas, Hartford, Baltimore, Charleston, Jersey City, Rochester, and Chicago to date.
08:00 CNN reports that the military will not leave the bases, either those supporting the president or those neutral, the military will not suppress the people. This includes state's Army Reserve and National Guard units.
08:05 The Libertarian Party officially asks for the resignation of the President.
08:15 The Green Party follows, also asks for the resignation of the President.
08:20 The DCPD, amongst other agencies, receive an arrest warrant from key leaders to arrest the President on contempt of congress charges. The DCPD whom is in charge of crowd control outside the White House are ordered by their leaders to carry out the arrest order.
08:30 DCPD officers make contact with the Secret Service.
08:40 The call ends, DCPD spokeman tells CNN that the SS will not hand over the president and will open fire on trespassers, be it rioters or arresting officers alike.
08:45 Two unmarked Blackhawk helicopters straff DCPD headquarters with rockets. The building lay in flames and officers exchange small arms fire with the aircraft. This marks the first time Federal forces exchange fire with state/local agencies.
09:00 Senator Martinez (R, FL) asks for the resignation of the President.
09:05 The crowd outside the whitehouse nears the 100,000 mark. Democratic leaders continue to pour gasoline on rioting cities, "the president must resign!" they blast over local radio stations, jam-packed with callers on-top-of more callers waiting to get answers, rumor control hotlines are backed up some with 30 calls on hold with rooms holding one-to-two dozen operators!!!
09:15 The entire state of NY is put under emergency, WA, NJ, FL, TX, LA, NC, SD, CA, and CT immediately follow.
09:45 The crowd has well surpassed the 125,000 mark and outraged DCPD officers search through the debris looking for their wounded and dead. DCPD leaders threaten the Secret Service: "all police personnel will be removed from between the 100,000+ 'mob' and the White House unless United States Secret Service stand down, allow our men in blue entry, and permit us to put the President under arrest."
10:00 Air Force F-15 Eagles take to the skies, their presence over the White House is unknown.
10:10 The crowds now surpass the 150,000 mark according to CNN and the newly arrived BBC.
10:15 Reuters claim that the Air Force jets are rogues, sent by left-leaning AF generals to intimidate the president whom they believe would likely be in an atomic bunker below the presidential compound.
10:20 Fox News breaks the FCC line and shows scenes of rioting in TX and CA. They claim "the Democrats will destroy America!"
10:25 Democratic Party headquarters in St. Louis, MO receive heavy small arms fire from various points. Armed gunmen aboard rusty pick up trucks billowing black smoke from their tail pipes roll around the parking lot firing heavy machine guns.
10:30 A carbomb goes off in front of Democratic Party offices in Sacramento. The vehicle used was a 2002 Kia Rio coupe. The explosion destroyed a city block, shattered windows, left 30 injured, and killed five. The Republican National Preservation Front takes responsibility for the attack.
10:44 DNC Chairman Howard Dean pronunced himself President of a caretaker administration, he nominates Hillary Rodham Clinton his Vice President...she accepts, he also nominates John McCain his Secretary of State, he laughs on Fox News.
10:45 President Dean orders all American soldiers, seamen, and pilots to stand outside their respective bases, in full uniform, and stand in formation for 'morale' and review in front of the American peole.
10:50 President Dean's first executive order is ignored.
10:57 A carbomb rips through Democratic Party Offices in Baton Rouge, LA. The Republican National Preservation Front quickly takes responsibility.
11:00 The Republican National Preservation Front call for the President to dissolve Congress, expressing they are to blame (both sides of the aisle) for the upheavals of the day.
11:10 Secretary of State Condi Rice appears on Fox! She talks about the wonderful work that goes on in Iraq, sporadic gunfire can be heard in the background, at least one SS agent races behind her donning bullet belts over his shoulders, totting a .30 machine gun, and wearing a dusty soldier's helmet over his professional attire. Condi talks about how wonderful things are and about a childhood cartrip she once took with her parents. Finally Condi expresses concern over the final season of the Sopranos and mentions how much she loves Italian food.
11:11 Multiple carbombs rock Providence, RI Democratic Party offices. The Republican National Preservation Front claim responsibility.
11:13 President Dean calls gives his first State of the Union address...in front of him he has a CNN mic, two local radio station mics, and a mic belonging to "Cindy's Lingerie Network." Dean expresses contempt for his rival president George W. Bush, he talks about how he will crush the 'rogue' president, he demands Fox go off air, and dissolves the Supreme Court.
11:15 Justices Thomas, Scalia resurface in the White House.
11:20 The crowd outside the White House has now easily surpassed the quarter-million mark.
11:22 DCPD officers give a noon deadline before they 'WALK.'
11:23 AF jets have been marked, two surface to air missiles come out from the White House lawn, "they just like...umm...came from mother nature bro," remarked one heavily stoned onlooker as White Hosue anti-air-defenses were activated. The jets were sent scrambling.
11:30 President Bush is rumored to be in poor spirits, having no pull with the military he once assumed was ultra-loyal to him, losing the majority of his support in Congress, and facing widespread popular anger, and being forced to stay put. If only he could escape to Crawford or anywhere in Texas, they could never get him, he could annihilate anyone and anything, but in Washington, in the thick of the blue coastline, he was fucked.
11:35 The NAACP officially asks for the president for his resignation.
11:37 The Republican National Committee asks that the President re-consider his actions.
11:40 The Repulibcan National Committee asks the president to consider resignation.
11:44 Senate Democratic Leader: Sen. Harry Reid asks the president to resign and allow for a caretaker government created between himself, McCain, and Condi Rice.
11:47 President Bush says he will hear out Sen. Reid.
11:55 President George H.W. Bush resigns. A caretaker government headed by Senators Reid (president), McCain (vice President), Rice (SOS), FSU law student James Argento (SODefense), and Gary Coleman (Chief of Staff) takes power.
12:00 The crowd reaching 350,000 is informed of the news.
12:04 As part of the deal, fmr. President Bush is granted immunity from all charges and takes political asylum in the United Kingdom. VP Cheney is buried at Big Bubba's Stiff's Seamentery and President Reid promises to send Israel another billion in aid for the scud attacks, promises to give Baghdad residents all the dasani they can drink till the water problem is fixed, tells Iran sorry for the tomahawks that should be arriving, well in a couple of hours. President Reid promises to lift sanctions on Iran and send James Argento over to ease relations.
Happy April Fool's Day. :-)